For you

4 weeks that's all it has been,
4 weeks has it been that long?
Time is forever skewed.

My head hurts.

So many thoughts,
Too many emotions.

I carry on.

I get through the day.

How?

How can I get out of bed?
How can I go on?

A little boy pulls my hand,
"I thought I would wake up and eat breakfast and we would play but then I couldn't, we didn't"

Made to be big too soon,
To deal with this horror too soon

I ache.

One lost.

I want to crawl under my blanket and stay there - lost with him.

Another pulls me forward,
Gets me up,
I have to keep moving.
One foot in front of the other,
I must do this for him.

I am broken yet I still work
I am in pieces yet I have to be whole
I am distraught yet he gives me cause to laugh
I am empty yet I am not
I am confused.

Love is powerful
Love keeps you grounded
Love helps you go on

It has saved me from collapse

I love you

I feel lost without him but you keep me here
I am thankful for all you give me

I keep walking for you

Trying to see the beauty........

This morning I said goodbye to my baby. Surrounded by my family and friends I kissed him for the last time and together with his favourite toys, a photo, flowers and a drawing from Laz we closed his little box. The space was peaceful - beside a field of sunflowers where after he was buried I could hear the bird song and insects buzzing all around. We had a small and simple burial and I wanted to share the readings for those of you who wanted to but couldn't be with us. I want to thank all of you who have given me the most amazing support and encouragement at this absolutely horrific time. I would have never walked this far without you all.

Rebecca (my cousin) read this:

The world may never notice
If a Snowdrop doesn't bloom,
Or even pause to wonder
If the petals fall too soon.

But every life that ever forms,
Or ever comes to be,
Touches the world in some small way
For all eternity.

The little one we longed for
Was swiftly here and gone.
But the love that was then planted
Is a light that still shines on.

And though our arms are empty,
And we don’t know what to do.
Every beating of our heart
Is saying we love you.

                            (Anon)

Courtney read:

Psalms 139: 13-16

Kelsey sang "Blackbird" by The Beatles

I wrote and managed to read this message:

Some months ago a little bird came into my life with broken wings.

I knew from that moment that I was to fight for him and hold him

He was the sweetest most precious baby I have ever met and his eyes they begged me to not leave him.

Even though some were against us I fought for him and he came home. He became mine my baby. I his mama and Cristi his brother. A caring beautiful big brother who in such a short time showed such grace and love for my little bird and without hesitation allowed him to share his mama.

The pain of losing him so soon has been the worst I have ever felt but I know that he died not alone but in the arms of a mama who loved him and surrounded by a family that love us all.

You will never be forgotten my little bird. My arms are empty without you and my heart is no longer whole. But I still feel your red thread tugging at my heart so I know even though you are gone you will always be with me and the love I have for you will always live on in me.

We will love you always and forever and you will always have a special part in our family. But now I set you free and with mended wings you can fly.